Hey guys,
Sorry about the last post I was half asleep when I typed it. And I thought reread what I typed apparently not. I'll edit it after work or probably on my break. But have a good morning. Stay strong and we'll get through this.
See Ya Later
Emmie <3
Hey Guys,
Today... Well yesterday when I finish typing and rereading this post three times it'll be past midnight. I should be asleep for work tomorrow, but I can't because I feel like shit. Not an illness Shit, but a mental Shit. It started off when I woke up to the She Devil calling me, then I went back to sleep. I just felt like I couldn't do anything even if I wanted/needed too. I was only able to do was watch YouTube, wash my hair and finish my Financial Aid. But all day I just felt bad for exsisting. Like I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to bother anyone, I just wanted to stay in my room.
But then I'll get to this feeling mood and I'll put myself down. Like I know I'm a good person, or at least I try my best. I do what my "friends" need me to do to help, even when I'm annoyed with them or feel like I've done more than I should have. It just seem like I don't have people in my life or allow people to help me out like I help them out because I feel like I shouldn't ask. Even when they are my friends. My family.
But what puts the cherry on top of this Shit day. Was I shared this photo that was completely my current mood. And it started some shit. Like I share stuff like this all the time, but why did this picture get so much attention, why did it get people worried and feeling sad about me? It was a just a photo that had a meaning to me, but I didn't think people would care, because I share stuff like this all the time. I don't remember the post but it was about not feeling like yourself, not feeling wanted. It was just one of those days.
So I was twitter and facebook and snapchat and just posting stuff, sharing stuff, the works when a "friend"like subtweeted at me. Thinking I wouldn't notice I knew she was talking about me. When the tweet I put had another to do with her. Like if I want to talk to you I would, but why do I want you back in my life when I'm already having a shit day. Like in high school I told you some shit and you made me feel even worst about the probably at hand. Like what friend would say the shit you said. I honestly hope you read this because I can't believe we(yes we) allow you make us feel like shit when we were and are going gheougj depression. YES Depression. And you make it seem like we are making this up. We aren't and you weren't helping.
But anyway that happen and I'm not a child for the way I'm handling myself. I've been handling myself since my brother was born, Shit I've been handling myself when my Grandma passed away and I'm still handling myself. I wasn't really able to be a kid. So if I have a kid moment, so be it. But sometimes I'm just sick of always having to make decisions and always having to be the parents to parents. So imma make mistakes while it's acceptable to make them.
See Ya Later
Emmie <3
Hey guys,
So I've been talking to my first college friend more and she was telling me that my friends that I came to know aren't really good friends. I'm not I'm am amazing, I'm not saying that they are bad friends. What I'm saying is my college friend got me thinking and she's right. Like the way she's put it. They have treated me wrong. They've done me dirty as my "boyfriend" would say. And I'll get to why it's like that in a few. But... All the jokes, always asking for me to pitch in money. And stuff like that. Yes money comes and goes, and if I wasn't hanging out with them I would have still spent the money, but it just sucks being broke and waiting til the next pay check... I love hanging out with them, but she just got me thinking. If they treating me like this and I'm allowing them too, it's their fault and mine. Like I'm the kind of person... Depending on my mood and the time of day. I love helping people out. I love to see the smile on their face because I know I caused that. And I would say that is my biggest strength and weakness.
But it just seems like as this summer goes by and school comes closer. I can see where the lines are drawn. I can see that I can't compete anymore with these people that grew up together, that have known each other for years, that they're parents know each other.... Hell their parents parents probably hung out as kids. So it just sucks to know that you don't have a childhood friend... It sucks to have to start over and try to mix in with this group that as already been made. To know that if one them don't like you then you're out.
I'm not saying it happens to everyone, this is just how I'm feeling at the present time. I do have three great friends outside of work that I love hanging out with. Love talking too. Never get annoyed or angry with them besides the jokes, but they haven't done it in a while. But I can also count on them. To not feel judged or know that I can tall about anything. They know I'm not this perfect, smart goody goody that I have to pretend like I am. I can be myself. I can be me, thought having the fear of them leaving me.
My Co workers are amazing. They care about me, they don't really know me, besdies my facebook posts and pictures, but the ones that do talk to me everyday, they know the tip of almpst everything. And I'm happy to say I don't regret telling them. I don't regret putting my wall down for them. I don't. I'm so happy I started working at Kroger. So I'm thinking of just logging off facebook. Not deactivating it just logging off or silencing it... Is that even possible? I can't deactivate it because everything on my cell is connected to facebook or maybe I should just block the people who make me feel so bad about myself. Who make me feel like they only want to hangout because I have money. I mean yes one of them has paid for alot of my stuff in the past, but I offered to pay back, she said no. I did the same to her parents and family members. I don't like oweing people. Because they can't just hold it over my head. Whatever I need can wait til pay day.
Maybe this is just my insecurities or its the guard at the door watching over my heart, but I think this isn't a real relationship I'm in. The other ones I had with like Trevor, Luther, Walter, Jim & Kyle, they were great guys, but at some point sex was all they wanted and I wasn't ready for that, plus they didn't live very close. All fake names btw. I cared for them and I still talk to some of them. It ended it on kinda good terms. But with John (also a fake name) sex is added into the relationship. He's cool, he's funny and he's himself which I love... Like which I really like. But he's just so confusing. Yes, you're probably thinking why don't I tell him this, why are you telling us instead. Because I convinced myself that this is just a sex relationship. Yes we go on cute dates, yes I met some of his family... Okay...
I just thought this through. I just need more communication! I don't need him buyinge expensive things, or taking my out every time we see each other. I just hate when he goes MIA. Yes, I know hes working. Yes, I feel like I can trust him. Hell I might have fallen for this dude... And it scares the living hell out of me because I don't like being hurt. I don't like the feeling of not being good enough or being too much. Yes, I know it might it and Shit like this happens every single day, but I'm not ready for it to end.
Sorry about this long post. Had alot on my mind.
See Ya Later
Emmie <3
Hey guys,
So yesterday I finally was able to go painting with my new friend from college and it was so much fun. IDK why I didn't do it before. Oh because the she devil kept making me miss it or because it cost $35. But it was fun. I was probably gonna spend that much yesterday anyways. But for the past three days I've been feeling sick. Like imma throw up. I know for a fact...maybe not for a fact, that I'm not pregnant... I'm not. I've been eating a lot of red sauce, which normally makes me want to throw up, but I haven't yet. Thursday night I went out with my boyfriend and we had Sonic. I had a bite of his burger and two cheesesticks and my milkshake. By the time we got to the movies I wasn't feeling so hot. Maybe it was before hand I ate some chicken, but that was hours before he made it to my house. Both times I took an adlive to calm my stomach and it worked. But I don't want to be taking pills everytime. I want to get it out my system. But thinking about it. It's probably because this is the most I've ate it 3 weeks. I normally don't eat alot. Ugh I'm at work now.
See Ya Later
Emmie <3
Hey guys,
So I typed a whole paragraph and then I shut my phone and now everything is gone. So imma try to remember everything I typed.
So my best friends, friends I dont know what we are right now. I guess we're staring over. And it's mostly my fault for showing my emotions wrong. Maybe instead of being pissed and blocking them and ignoring, I should have talked about it. And now they know about this blog. They know about the posts and how I felt and how I think... which friends should know everything.
I'm not sure if I can be the same with them knowing everything. I feel sick to my stomach, and I feel nervous to hangout with them. Like do they like the same things? Have they changed? I'm probably just gonna keep my mouth shut. I feel bad, but it's how I felt. And it sucks that it came out like this.
So this post is just pretty much rethinking writing anymore, this was supposed to help me feel better. Help me think about not cutting, help me think about this is helping someone else out there, but so far I've hurt my this two best friends in the world. And now we are on a restart....
Should I stop writing? Should I be more aware of what I'm typing and putting out into the world, even tho my opinion and thoughts matters too? I dont know. I guess we'll see if I post.
See Ya Later
Emmie < 3
Hey guys,
So today I'm only working five hours, which I'm totally okay with because I'm not feeling good. I didn't sleep well last night, only got four hours of sleep. So the day isn't starting off right already. I get to work and I start doing my job. I was called over from one of my old "managers" to find a Starbucks card for a person, come back and my cart is gone. So I start on another and my "manager" gets mad at me. Like its not my fault I was helping a customer, but his pissed now. Great 😧 then I get called again and asked to ring register, which I really like to do. And I agreed to stay up there for 30 minutes. Which didn't feel long. Then my "manager tells me to turn my light off, then another "manager" tells me to turn it back on, so I do then the MANAGER comes and was like thank you for everything, but you can turn your light off and leave. So I do that and go back. And my "manager" is even more pissed. Like i didn't do anything wrong. Why am I getting bitched at why am I getting the cold shoulder. I just wanna go home and lay down.
See Ya Later
Emmie <3
