Back In Action... Maybe

Hey Guys,

I know I haven't posted anything since December of last year and I'm sorry about that. So much has happened and I'll explain it soon.  Maybe. I'm also thinking of posting videos on my YouTube channel. Why not?  I post stuff on my Snapchat. So I'll maybe be back in action soon. Something to look forward too. Something extra to do. I'm kinda excited.

See Ya Later
Emmie 💜

"Loose Lips Sink Ships"

Hey Guys,

So it's been awhile and I know I posted I was gonna write about something, but as you can see I forgot. My bad. So I feel like I'm overthinking this... Scratch that I am over thinking this and it sucks to know that I am and not being able to control it. I just want to know everything. I don't want to be guessing... I hate guessing and being out of the know.  I think that I just need to get away. Move somewhere different... Somewhere that I can feel like myself and not feel like everything I do is wrong, And I only had two places that I felt great about myself, which was School, but that fell through big time this semester and Work, which I don't feel as comfortable like I used too. So I feel like I'm always out of my comfort zone, which has now turned into my bedroom and even here I feel like I still mess up.

Don't get my wrong, I love my friends, love my family, but it feels like I don't need to be here. Not saying i'm gonna kill myself just saying that I need to disappear, go somewhere new, do my own thing. But I don't where to start... Don't know where to go. I mean I wanna go to a lot of places, but I don't think I'll be able to drop everything and just go. I honestly really just need to drop everything and go. Like everything seems to be going fine, everything is supposed to be happy and cheerful and joyous, but I can't be because I feel like something is gonna happen. Something bad is going to come my way and that's just how life has been for me. I pretend, which I so damn good at, everything is okay, that I'm  okay, that I'm this big bad person, but I just want someone to honestly fucking hug me and tell me "You're doing great, beautiful. I'm so proud of you and I respect whatever decision you've made so far. I'm here if you ever wanna talk, shit I'm here if you need a shoulder to cry on. I love you and I'm always here."

Like how hard is it for someone to be like that to me? I honestly think I do have the wrong friends sometimes, but then again I don't fully on up to them, because expect them to leave. To get sick of me. So imma leave before I can get too attached, before I dig myself deeper into this hole that I'm already in.

I just want to live in the moment, go somewhere new and try not to be so attached to my music for comfort.

See Ya Later
Emmie <3

.... Just F*ck

Hey guys,

I know it's been awhile but I'm just gonna do this short quick post...

F*ck feelings
F*ck lies
F*ck feeling like shit
F*ck the pain
F*ck the unfairness
F*ck the tears
F*ck not being enough

Most of all f*ck you

I'll go into more detail about this post from Twitter later.

See Ya Later
Emmie <3

I'm Taken

Hey Guys,

I know its been awhile since my last post and I'm sorry. I've been dealing with drama. Shit drama should be my middle name & best friend by now. My last post was about a friend of mine & I honestly forgot the person reads my blog. So I feel bad for what I said. I need to be more careful,  but then again it's how I feel. And I can't change how I feel. But on to today drama.

So at my job we hired a lot of new people and it's weird coming into work and not seeing a familar face. There's this one new guy. Imma call him Barney. Barney is cute, he's the nerdy, silly,  smart type of person & he has a job, which is a plus. Since a Co worker of ours introduced us, he's been talking to me,  making me laugh,  flirting with me.. You know the works. And it's cute and all, but I'm taken. And its weird for me to have someone hitting on me or calling me beauitful and trying to buy me things. Like sorry, I cant accept, not because I'm taken,  even tho that's part of the reason. I'm just use to doing my own thing. Buying my own things.

But how do I let him down easy?  I don't want to mix work with pleasure because it doesnt work out. I told my boyfriend about it and he said just let him help. Because Barney likes to help me lift the heavy boxes, load up my card,  put my trash away & he tried to buy me lunch, but I don't need help. I appreciate it,  but don't need or want it.

To make things even worse, Smith (I think I said something about him before, but probably with a different name) is also flirting with me, trying to get close to me,  trying to hug me and shit. Like dude. Back the fuck up. I'm taken and I might be actually falling for him. Like leave me alone!  Don't you get it. It didn't work the first time. Why would you think it would work this time? They both gave me their number. I don't want my Co workers or my managers to think I'm hooking up with them. Which Im not & will not.

I don't see why they think I'm cute. Shit some people say I look fucking mean. Which Im not. I'm super silly and overly nice. But guys please. Leave.  Me.  Alone. Yes I complained about my relationship, but that wasn't for you to hear. That was only for Amber to know. But it's all worked out now & I was over thinking. I honestly shouldn't have said anything,  but I needed someone to talk too. I just want to be happy & I'm taking it one day at a time. Good Night

See Ya Later
Emmie <3

September 2015

Hey guys,

Sorry about the title couldnt really think of one. Plus I'm running on like 4 hours of sleep. I've been staying up late and waking up early. But this post is just to get whatever that's been on my mind off my mind.

So 3 of my friends birthday is in a few days and I have this idea to do for all of my friends. But one of these three friends. I havent talked to in a very long time. And it's mostly my fault. I don't text this person enough,  but when I do I'm waiting hours at in for a reply, so it makes me feel like I was bothering this person in the first place, so I gave up. Which yes I know I should have never done that, but I did. But what I can see from snapchat and everything. The person seems fine with me. Which Im so happy for them that they're happy. But now I'm faced with. Should I get this person a birthday gift or not?  I mean I already have 1/2 of it done. Maybe less than 1/2 but I got some stuff done. Now I'm faced with should I text this person. And if I do. How would this person react. I've been going through so much with people and their attitudes. I'm problem not gonna reply again or message them again if I receive crap. Which again I shouldn't do, but I'm just so annoyed with other person today. That I just don't give any fucks.

These person is probably still up. I might text them tomorrow. I honestly need some sleep, before I put myself down anymore. But I'm cold and over thinking shit.

Why is life so confusing?

I just want to be happy and when I am happy it's not gonna last long because life doesn't work like that. Life just wants to give you a treat of it. To let you this could all be yours unless you do A,  B & C,  but once you do. It doesn't last very long or it gets boring.

I'm also stuck between ending it with someone. I cant really say boyfriend because this is one of the confusing, overhelming, over thinking, exciting relationships I've ever had with a person.  I hate that I like it. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I'm not 100% sure. I hate that I'm guessing wondering. I hate that I know I'm not right. Hate that I'm so far out of line with this. To the point where I just want to break down and cry,  but that shows weakness. Yes I'm back to my old ways. Sue me.

I just want to be wanted. I want to be needed. I just want to know.

See Ya Later

EMMIE <3

Where Did You Go?

Hey Guys,

So I've been talking to a really amazing person. Like he is just awesome & makes me smile alot and makes me laugh a lot. No I'm not cheating on my "boyfriend" if you want to call him that. He's trying, which is all I can ask for. But this other guy I've been talking to for IDK how long. He's just too special, too nice to not have a person like him in your life. He was there for me, talking to me at my lowest moment. He probably doesn't know this, but he is one of the reasons why I'm still here. He is the New Elijah 2.0 (that's a while other story) this guy keeps me grounded, he's easy to talk too and now he just disappear out my life. It's been almost four days now & I tried Kiking him,  I tried Snapchat. It's not working. So I hope you read this post and please come back. Don't be like every other male that's been in my life. Please don't leave me.  Come back, I swear I'll be better.

See Ya Later
Emmie <3

Feeling Some Type of Way

Hey Guys,

Sorry it's been awhile, I've been super busy with drama everywhere. Coming Left and Right. Once something seems all good and dandy (I think that's how you spell it, but by now you guys should know I'm bad at spelling), anyways; One disagreement with a group of friends and then got that handled and then the other group was upset, got that under control and then my single friends (the ones that can't mixed with the two groups) feels like I don't spend enough time with them. I just wish I had more hours in the day, I wish I had enough time for everyone! I wish I had enough time for my family too, but sadly I don't.

But anyways back to the main reason why I'm typing this. So Sunday Night/ Monday Morning, which was also Labor Day, we threw a party and I had fun, I was happy, I was enjoying myself. I might have sent some messages through Snapchat and a few people and I said sorry to most of them. The next morning sucked because I had to work and I didn't get enough sleep, but Hungover Emmie started thinking.  How I treat my friends, How they treat me and How I feel like I shouldn't be in their little group sometimes. I honestly try to be super nice, I try to tell myself that I'm worth the niceness I relieve, that I'm just overthinking stuff (Which we all know I am), but you know its sometimes to hear "Hey Emmie, You look cute today, I'm so glad we are best friends and You are so strong and I'm proud of you." That's all I would love to hear.

I like to know everything, I like to know where I stand, are we friends, are we talking, just tell me what I am. I like to know, so I don't second guess. But I like who I am. I like that I'm curvy, kinda tall, I'm pretty smart, with a smart mouth to add, I'm kind (Probably too Kind), but I do have my moments. I'm a huge bitch when I have to be. I'm me and I'm proud of who I am, and what I've done so far and much much more are coming ahead. Everything is going up and I'm gonna cut some people out of my life who can't handle it.

Love Ya
See Ya Later
Emmie <3